Colon Cancer Update, etc

I had a second opinion consultation with the fine folks at the Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center. The doctor I spoke with said no to oxaliplatin...the neuropathy I have is too much to take any more oxaliplatin. She recommends irinotecan with Erbitux. However, before I can start on Erbitux, I need to have the biopsy slides tested for a particular mutation. That test will determine whether or not the Erbitux will work on me. It takes a long time to get this done.

Meanwhile, I am receiving no treatment at all, and that concerns me. Old symptoms of pain and fever have returned. My prognosis statistically is still not good. A matter of months. Fortunately, I am in relatively good health otherwise, except for my liver. The CT scan did not show any remarkable new growth. So maybe I have more than less time remaining.

Now is the time for my husband and I to get things in order. This is a very difficult thing to talk about, but it has to be done, just in case. I'm a planner; I like to be prepared. When I pack for a trip, I have a list of everything that is needed. I don't want to forget anything. So this to me is just another of those things in life one has to prepare for, even while I prepare for continuing to live.

I am putting some of my energy into writing down any words of wisdom to pass on to my children and grandchildren. I particularly want my grandchildren, none of whom are even born yet, to get to know a little about me. This probably is because I never got to know my own grandparents very well. My father's parents died long before I was born and my mother's mother died when I was 4. The only one I got to know a little bit was my mother's father, but he was a quiet man.

I still want my blog to be a place where I share words of wisdom and encouragement, but I am finding it difficult to find something new to say. I wrote a lot on another blog that no longer exists. Perhaps I will repeat some of those postings here. What do you think, fans? Would that be acceptable?

Well, we shall see what happens. There is a great unknown ahead of me. Here is a verse I will need to dwell on a lot:

"I can do all things through Christ which stengtheneth me." Phil. 4:13

Stopping to smell the roses

I know, that's an old cliche. But it is what my husband and I have been doing a little more of lately. A few weeks ago we took a trip back north just to visit family. We took more time than the usual rush up and back. We had a good time rekindling the family ties. We also took some time to actually stop and see some sights along the way, such as a waterfall in the Delaware Water Gap in Pennsylvania. We had driven that road (Route 209) for as many years as we have been married and we never stopped to follow any of the signs to the falls. It was such a delight to be walking in the cool shade amidst the wild rhododendrons, following a boardwalk trail to the waterfalls. We also visited Lancaster County (Amish country) and actually went into some of the shops and a quilt museum (which inspired me to try my hand at making a simple quilt). Finally, last weekend we went to the Creation Museum in Florence, KY almost at the spur of the moment (sorry, another cliche) and thoroughly enjoyed it. The ministry of Answers in Genesis has done a fantastic job.

Something else I have been doing, which I have neglected, is crocheting. After making two small blankets, I wonder why I hadn't done this sooner. I enjoy crafts such as needlework, crochet and sewing. I did a lot more when I was younger. It is strange, but I have a hard time getting myself to start a project, but once I do, I thoroughly enjoy it, even if I do make mistakes, and I find it hard to stop.

Before I close, I must share a Bible verse. Have I shared this one before?

"Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's. " Psalms 103: 1- 5

It's time for Erbitux.

I saw my oncologist today and the news wasn't good. It appears that my current chemo regimen is no longer effective. She wants to change me to Erbitux and possibly go back on oxaliplatin, the stuff that damaged my nerves and made me extremely sensitive to touching anything cold, or even breathing cold air. My prognosis is not very good. A CT scan will be done next week. That will tell whether or not the cancer has grown. Meanwhile, I get an extra two weeks off from chemo.

The strange thing is, I don't feel any different. I fact, I have become interested in doing crafts, such as crocheting, cross-stitch and quilting again. I have a new desire to live, to see my first grandchild born, to visit new places.

If I take the oxaliplatin, my hands will likely become useless, or at least less useful. Typing or writing with a pen will be painful. Walking in shoes will be very uncomfortable, worse than it is now. Forget crocheting and cross-stitch. I won't be able to hold onto a needle or hook. Even my lips will become numb, and eating or drinking anything cold will be impossible due to the pain. No more ice cream! Or cold drinks.



On top of that, the Erbitux will possibly create a painful, acne-like rash. I have heard from some colon cancer patients that there is a way to treat it and it can improve.



This is going to be a tough call, because if the cancer isn't stopped, I likely don't have long to live. And dying from liver failure due to colon cancer is not a pleasant experience.



I need wisdom and courage whether to say yea or nay to oxaliplatin. I think I'll say yes to Erbitux. And I need more determination to eat better ( ie get rid of life's little pleasures...hard to do when you have to suffer so many other unpleasantries).

Zephaniah 3:17

"The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing." Zeph. 3:17



This is a really cool verse. It was brought up in my Sunday School in reference to how God rejoices in those who love and obey Him. It is in particular reference to the time when the faithful remnant of the children of Israel will be restored in their fellowship with God. The verse reveals something about the character of God. He has joy and delight in those who love Him. And He sings about it. Imagine that! As He "rests in His love" He sings a song of joy and love, ie a lovesong.



I have never thought of God singing. Certainly, the Bible encourages us to sing praises to God, but I never knew that God sings as He rejoices in His people. It makes sense that the One who gave us the ability to sing and to make music would be able to do the same. What a beautiful thought. What a delightful verse to meditate on.

What I want to be when I grow up

I am 52 years old and I finally know what I should have done with my life. I have felt so unsettled by my missing out on having a lucrative vocation. Don't get me wrong. I have done one of the things I wanted to do, and that was to be a stay at home mom. In my college days , of course, I had not envisioned myself as a mother. Once I got married and became a mother, I was committed to putting that first in my life. It was a good decision I shall never regret. But I often wished I could do something that would earn an income. My problem was not that I was uneducated. I have both a bachelor's degree and a Master's degree, but neither of them made me employable.

My problem was multi-faceted. First, I did not understand the world of the job market. I went to college to learn. I had a hunger to learn. Somehow I expected that taking courses under a prescribed curriculum would translate into giving me a title that would make me employable. But since I wasn't studying to be a nurse or doctor or engineer or business adminstrator or teacher, I did not have an automatic title. Second, I did not know how to choose something to study that would get me to the position of having a job title. Third, I did not yet know what I truly valued, and therefore I could not find a path that would satisfy me throughout my life. Fourth, I did not have a mentor to guide me, to help me discover my strengths and focus on becoming excellent at something. Fifth, I did not know the vast extent of the possibilities I could pursue. I did not expect that I could be a good enough musician to get into a symphony orchestra. I never realized the potential of being a private music teacher. Nor did I think about popular entertainment nor playing at weddings nor of making one's own recordings (modern technology makes that so much easier).

But now I am much more aware and I know how it all could have worked out. And I know that I should have worked really hard when I was young to become highly skilled so that what I did was second nature to me even before I went to college. Some might say, well then, it's not too late to start again, is it?

Well, no and yes. When I was young, I liked music and I learned to play several instruments. To be really good at music, you have to start young, when the fingers and brain can work at a faster pace to learn to be adept. I know now that I should have learned the piano and the violin. I would have liked to be able to classical violin as well as fiddle style. Piano is simply basic to the study of music. And it is quite useful for teaching private lessons and to help out at church. There is not much popular demand for bassoonists.

I also liked traditional needle crafts and sewing. Folk crafts, such as basket making and weaving, fascinated me. Again, it is good to start young. That is a good time to make things to sell and thereby learn to have a business. I could possibly do that again, but I have nerve damage in my fingers and I am not so limber. And there is time when I feel too ill to do anything. But I could try. But do I have enough time left to become truly artistic at what I could do? I do not know. Certainly I do not have as much time as I would want to have.

So, I would have focused on music and crafts. But there is one more thing. I have a deep interest in living things. And I like dirt. I have an interest in improving our environment. And I have a somewhat romantic notion about homesteading/subsistence farming. I did major in environmental design in college ( a non-professional degree I found out in my senior year). I think I did not fit in well with the designer types. It was more about landscape architecture for the rich. I was a small town girl with a love for the country. Now I know what I should have studied....farming. I love Elliot Coleman's books about organic farming. I could have learned to earn a living through farming and being a good steward of the land. I could have incorporated writing about it, or offering workshops etc.

So now I know. At least I have settled the big question of what I would want to do. Whether I can do it is another matter. It has taken 35 years to finally fit the pieces together of my interests, talents, personality, core values etc. I was never cut out to work an office job or lab job. I wanted to live close to the earth, with music in my soul and the ability to do something profound yet practical. Now, with cancer and chemo and financial straits, these dreams may not come true. But maybe someone reading this will find some encouragement to pursue a dream while they can. Or to discover the dream in the first place.

"And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men" Colossians 3:23

"...study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands ..." 1 Thess. 4:11

Dealing With Death

I have noticed that quite a few of my posts deal with the topic of death. Hmm. It is not exactly the most encouraging topic there is, but it is a very real topic that we all must face. After losing both my parents in just a little over a month, and knowing that I am facing an uncertainty about my own life, it is understandable that I am thinking about such a topic.



I have stated previously that I do not fear death, but the suffering associated with it. That still is true. I am so certain of my future after death, that nothing can waiver my faith. But a new dimension has been added to my thinking about the process of dying. I watched my father die, although I was not present in the same room when he took his last breath. Let me tell you , it was an awful thing to watch. And when I saw his body, with its yellow pallor and expressionless face, I thought, "This is not my Dad. He is not here. " The person, the spirit, of my father was gone. I think no one could deny that. And to me, that is evidence that there is more to life and death than science or medicine can explain.



The Bible describes humans as having a body, a soul, and a spirit. Triune. Made in the image of God. It also says that our spirits are eternal, destined for either life in God's special place, or in torment in Hell. That is what Jesus taught. And one cannot ignore that part of Jesus' teaching just because it makes one uncomfortable. The whole point is that mankind needs to be rescued from a future in Hell, and that is what Jesus came to do, to rescue us, ie to save us, hence the title Savior. He did not speak about Hell to condemn us, but to warn us and to provide a way of escape. That should be good news to anyone.



But those who reject what the Bible says about judgment and Hell reject the good news of salvation. Afterall, what would there be to be saved from? They may say " How could a loving God send anyone to Hell?" They should ask , "How could anyone ever be good enough to deserve eternal life in a place where there can be no sin?" God is holy and just, as well as loving. He is also the Almighty One, the Creator of all there is. He makes the rules. We must give an account to Him, not He to us. As the Bible says, "And it is appointed unto men once to die, and after this the judgment." (Heb 9:27)



It is no wonder people fear death. It is an ugly thing, and can be the passageway to a horrible future, or a beautiful one. Few people want to talk about it, yet it is vitally important that we do talk about. Various religions have attempted to deal with it by offering steps one can take to give one a better chance in the afterlife. The Christian faith is different. It offers a relationship with Almighty God in which one's eternal destiny is safe and secure through faith in what God has already done to guarantee our future. Any good works that follow faith are simply an expression of that faith.



Throughout history, some have turned Christianity into a religion of works and thereby have missed out on the grace of God. Others have attacked it for being too narrow and judgmental, and therefore have tried to eliminate it. True Christian faith believes that Jesus, who was God in the flesh, paid the debt for our sin through His death on the cross and that He secured eternal life for us when He rose from the dead. That is it, quite simply. Christianity is believing by faith and living out one's faith. I don't understand why so many reject it and think it is evil, when it is good.

Bereavement Again

On May 29, 2008 my mother died of congestive heart failure, just a month and 4 days after my father died. Again, my brother and his wife were her caregivers for the weeks following my Dad's passing. In addition to that burden, my brother was still trying to settle matters regarding my father's death and was trying to get things set up so that he could take care of Mom's financial needs. Now, the situation has changed yet again, and he is in the mode of being executor of the estate. My brother and sister-in-law have been amazing under all this stress.

My part has been small in comparison. My husband and I spent a week up north in my parents home cleaning out the junk and sorting through papers to find anything of value. It was a major task, considering my parents threw nothing out in their later years, and saved a whole lot from their earlier days. I am glad that we were able to do what we could to give my brother and his wife some relief.

The past six or seven weeks have been an incredible journey. We traveled north three times, mourned the loss of two parents, reconnected with extended family members and neighbors of my parents, and pondered life and death, family and love. So much has gone through my mind. Some feelings and thoughts have been too deep to express. I know, however, that I have been changed by it all.