My Dad passed away on April 25, 2008. He became unconscious sometime Monday night. He remained that way until Friday. He died in his own home with his family there. He was 88 years old. There will be a private grave-side service for him next week.
My brother and sister-in-law were tremendous as they bore the burden of caring for him in his uncoscious state, and also caring for my mother who is quite frail. And now they are working hard to arrange things for Mom.
I am glad that I was able to be there, doing what little I could.
There are many things going through my mind that I cannot share. They are too personal. They are too inexplicable. So much is happening in our family at the same time. I am praying for grace.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Grace
When a difficult situation arises and you don't know how to handle it,
When you feel the stress mounting and you are afraid you will explode,
When you know your natural inclination to respond in anger is taking over,
Pray for grace.
Pray for the Lord to take over.
Pray for the supernatural ability to do right.
Pray for grace.
When your heart is empty and there is no more to give,
No love, no patience, no strength,
Pray for grace and He will give it.
When you feel the stress mounting and you are afraid you will explode,
When you know your natural inclination to respond in anger is taking over,
Pray for grace.
Pray for the Lord to take over.
Pray for the supernatural ability to do right.
Pray for grace.
When your heart is empty and there is no more to give,
No love, no patience, no strength,
Pray for grace and He will give it.
When it rains, it pours
This past Friday, both of my parents ended up in the hospital. My Dad had an emergency. My Mom needed an unscheduled procedure to remove excess fluid that was building up in her. She has congestive heart failure. The doctors are still trying to determine what is wrong with my father. And I can do nothing to help. The burden must fall on my brother and his wife.
God's grace is needed by all of us more than ever.
God's grace is needed by all of us more than ever.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Running on Empty
Sometimes we run on empty. Have you ever felt that way? I did last night. There were still several hours left in the day and I could not find anything I wanted to do. There was nothing I wanted to read. There was nothing I wanted make. There was nothing I wanted to write. I had nothing to say. I had nothing to give. I was bored and unmotivated, but I could not stand to waste the time I had (I had already wasted a lot of time during the day). So I did the dishes (yes, they should have been done sooner) and made my husband's lunch for the next day. But I was still empty.
The routines of daily life, such as doing chores, can be done when we run on empty. They are rote tasks that we know how to do and we can do them mechanically. However, to do something with interest and energy, to be inspired or excited, or to love and give of oneself unselfishly requires the spark of life to ignite and blaze, to fill our inner reservoir so that it spills over and touches the lives of others. That doesn't happen when you are running on empty.
Sometimes all we need is rest. Being physically and even mentally weary saps our strength and empties our reserves. Sometimes we need proper nutrition. Our body is weakened when it is fed empty calories. Sometimes we need a break from stress. External demands and pressures on our inner person disconnect us from our inner strength. I have experienced these various drains and strains, but I don't think they were the reason for my feeling empty for the past few days.
I have some idea of what was wrong. I won't go into all the details. I can sum it up by saying that I became temporarily blind, that is to say, I lost my sight. I lost sight of my purpose and significance. I lost sight of what God wants me to do with my life.
Happily, God gave me a little surprise last night. In the midst of my emptiness, I got a nudge. And because I responded to that nudge and did what it told me to do, I spent the last hour before bedtime feeling my purpose return and my cup filling up. In addition, I was given some creative inspiration that I knew wasn't mine. It couldn't be. I had none to start out with, therefore I knew the source of such inspiration had to be the Lord. I am not capable of making something out of nothing. Only He can.
Ephesians 3:14-21 is a good passage relating to being filled, but I won't quote it all here. I will close with the last two verses.
"Now unto him that is able to exceedingly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh within us, unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
The routines of daily life, such as doing chores, can be done when we run on empty. They are rote tasks that we know how to do and we can do them mechanically. However, to do something with interest and energy, to be inspired or excited, or to love and give of oneself unselfishly requires the spark of life to ignite and blaze, to fill our inner reservoir so that it spills over and touches the lives of others. That doesn't happen when you are running on empty.
Sometimes all we need is rest. Being physically and even mentally weary saps our strength and empties our reserves. Sometimes we need proper nutrition. Our body is weakened when it is fed empty calories. Sometimes we need a break from stress. External demands and pressures on our inner person disconnect us from our inner strength. I have experienced these various drains and strains, but I don't think they were the reason for my feeling empty for the past few days.
I have some idea of what was wrong. I won't go into all the details. I can sum it up by saying that I became temporarily blind, that is to say, I lost my sight. I lost sight of my purpose and significance. I lost sight of what God wants me to do with my life.
Happily, God gave me a little surprise last night. In the midst of my emptiness, I got a nudge. And because I responded to that nudge and did what it told me to do, I spent the last hour before bedtime feeling my purpose return and my cup filling up. In addition, I was given some creative inspiration that I knew wasn't mine. It couldn't be. I had none to start out with, therefore I knew the source of such inspiration had to be the Lord. I am not capable of making something out of nothing. Only He can.
Ephesians 3:14-21 is a good passage relating to being filled, but I won't quote it all here. I will close with the last two verses.
"Now unto him that is able to exceedingly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh within us, unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
Monday, April 7, 2008
Whew! I'm Tired.
Gardening a little at a time is okay, but silly me got into it on this gorgeous day and did more than I should have. I spent nearly three hours at it and didn't realize it. Now I'm tired, but I don't mind because I feel as though I accomplished something (which unlike doing dishes, does not have to be done every day) and I have participated in living.
Tomorrow I start another cycle (two weeks on, one week off) of chemo, but after this one I will be taking a short break to go on a trip to see family and friends and to do a little sight-seeing. My husband and I need to take the time to get away. He will have finished a very trying year teaching at the comunity college and being the head of his department (that is to say, he has extra work added on to him that consumes a lot of his time). As for me, I have been a "shut-in" all winter, particularly during the flu season. I need to get out of the house!
"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones." Proverbs 17:22"
Tomorrow I start another cycle (two weeks on, one week off) of chemo, but after this one I will be taking a short break to go on a trip to see family and friends and to do a little sight-seeing. My husband and I need to take the time to get away. He will have finished a very trying year teaching at the comunity college and being the head of his department (that is to say, he has extra work added on to him that consumes a lot of his time). As for me, I have been a "shut-in" all winter, particularly during the flu season. I need to get out of the house!
"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones." Proverbs 17:22"
Friday, April 4, 2008
John 14:23
"... if a man love me, he will keep my words; and my Father will love him and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him. John 14:23
Awesome. Those words are deep and astounding.
That verse was one of the latest entries in a special journal I keep. It is a journal for writing those profound lessons I learn from the Bible, or through life circumstances. I only write a brief thought that summarizes what God has impressed upon my heart. I review this journal over and over so that I don't forget what I have learned. It is so easy to forget the important things when the immediate and the urgent things crowd our minds.
The first profound thought is a conditional one. If a man love me, he will keep my words, ie receive them, treasure them, do them. It makes one have to pause and reflect on one's level of obedience and commitment to Jesus and his teachings. This is very humbling for me, because I know I fall short.
The second thought is also conditional, but very rewarding. If one loves Christ, and keeps his word, the Father will also love him or her. Jesus said in the gospels that he and his Father are one. This statement is evidence for the doctrine of the Trinity, which I am not qualified to comment on. However, my heart reaction to this statement was that God's love was personal and infinitely immense and doubly sure (being from the Father and the Son).
The third thought is simply mind staggering. If a person loves Jesus and keeps his word, the Father and the Son will come to him or her and live with him or her. Not only is that a statement that evidences that God offers us a personal relationship (He is not an impersonal force), but it gives evidence that there is the potential for an intimacy with God like that of a family or marriage, of living together, sharing together, being involved with each other.
That is the kind of relationship I need in order to face the trials of each day.
By the way, it took a few more days, but I did start to feel stronger. I planted a few more perennials in my little flower garden and I am going to tackle improving yet another dull spot in our yard. I am finding gardening and landscaping to be very rewarding work that I can handle a little at a time.
Awesome. Those words are deep and astounding.
That verse was one of the latest entries in a special journal I keep. It is a journal for writing those profound lessons I learn from the Bible, or through life circumstances. I only write a brief thought that summarizes what God has impressed upon my heart. I review this journal over and over so that I don't forget what I have learned. It is so easy to forget the important things when the immediate and the urgent things crowd our minds.
The first profound thought is a conditional one. If a man love me, he will keep my words, ie receive them, treasure them, do them. It makes one have to pause and reflect on one's level of obedience and commitment to Jesus and his teachings. This is very humbling for me, because I know I fall short.
The second thought is also conditional, but very rewarding. If one loves Christ, and keeps his word, the Father will also love him or her. Jesus said in the gospels that he and his Father are one. This statement is evidence for the doctrine of the Trinity, which I am not qualified to comment on. However, my heart reaction to this statement was that God's love was personal and infinitely immense and doubly sure (being from the Father and the Son).
The third thought is simply mind staggering. If a person loves Jesus and keeps his word, the Father and the Son will come to him or her and live with him or her. Not only is that a statement that evidences that God offers us a personal relationship (He is not an impersonal force), but it gives evidence that there is the potential for an intimacy with God like that of a family or marriage, of living together, sharing together, being involved with each other.
That is the kind of relationship I need in order to face the trials of each day.
By the way, it took a few more days, but I did start to feel stronger. I planted a few more perennials in my little flower garden and I am going to tackle improving yet another dull spot in our yard. I am finding gardening and landscaping to be very rewarding work that I can handle a little at a time.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Shouldn't I be feeling better?
This is supposed to be my good week, but it's taking longer to get over the chemo effects. I hope this weakness in my legs goes away soon. I took a walk in my neighborhood with my husband on Sunday and near the end found myself barely able to make my legs move as I climbed the last little incline.
At some point in time I will have to make a choice between quality of life and quantity of life. At least, that is what my doctor said. She told me that the chemotherapy is what is causing this weakness, which is why she has to give me breaks from it periodically. It will be very difficult to make that decision when the time comes. She also said she believes it is the chemo that is keeping me alive (The nasty cancer keeps growing when I don't have chemo.) Frankly, I cannot envision myself taking chemo for even another year, but I can also not envision myself giving up on living either. As I have said before, it is not that I am afraid to die, but I do not want to cause my loved ones the pain of losing me, nor do I want to suffer worse consequences for not taking chemo.
What is even more difficult to decide is whether or not to let my doctor "try" one more drug to add to the secret potion she is giving me. Yes, the emphasis is on try. Somehow I am supposed to muster up the courage to endure additional side effects, some of which could be fatal, but only to about 3% of the patients in the clinical trial. Okay, doctor, tell me, would you like to "try" it and see how it feels? Would you like to be in the 3% that didn't make it due to an extreme reaction, particularly when even the manufacturer ( I went to their website) states that there is no evidence that this drug improves the quality or the quantity of life? Better yet, why don't you try taking the other stuff you are giving me, which is already weakening me, and then add that new stuff.
Am I getting too cynical? I hope not. But I am trying to use my brain to the best of my ability. I want good information so I can make a reasonable decision. I don't want trial and error. I don't want to take an unnecessary risk. I have already done that. The first chemo regimen I was given was quite aggressive and had to be stopped. The second didn't do me any good. The cancer grew. The third one is wearing me out, but appears to be holding the cancer at bay, but I am always at risk for severe side effects, such as stroke, heart attack, internal bleeeding, liver failure, and kidney failure. And now they want me to "try" one more? There's just so much a person can take. What I really want is for all of this to go away so I can go back to "normal".
So how can I end this blog on a positive note? Only with a word of encouragement from the Bible. This one is definitely for me.
"Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yea, our God is merciful. The Lord preserveth the simple; I was brought low, and he helped me. Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee. For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm116: 5-9
At some point in time I will have to make a choice between quality of life and quantity of life. At least, that is what my doctor said. She told me that the chemotherapy is what is causing this weakness, which is why she has to give me breaks from it periodically. It will be very difficult to make that decision when the time comes. She also said she believes it is the chemo that is keeping me alive (The nasty cancer keeps growing when I don't have chemo.) Frankly, I cannot envision myself taking chemo for even another year, but I can also not envision myself giving up on living either. As I have said before, it is not that I am afraid to die, but I do not want to cause my loved ones the pain of losing me, nor do I want to suffer worse consequences for not taking chemo.
What is even more difficult to decide is whether or not to let my doctor "try" one more drug to add to the secret potion she is giving me. Yes, the emphasis is on try. Somehow I am supposed to muster up the courage to endure additional side effects, some of which could be fatal, but only to about 3% of the patients in the clinical trial. Okay, doctor, tell me, would you like to "try" it and see how it feels? Would you like to be in the 3% that didn't make it due to an extreme reaction, particularly when even the manufacturer ( I went to their website) states that there is no evidence that this drug improves the quality or the quantity of life? Better yet, why don't you try taking the other stuff you are giving me, which is already weakening me, and then add that new stuff.
Am I getting too cynical? I hope not. But I am trying to use my brain to the best of my ability. I want good information so I can make a reasonable decision. I don't want trial and error. I don't want to take an unnecessary risk. I have already done that. The first chemo regimen I was given was quite aggressive and had to be stopped. The second didn't do me any good. The cancer grew. The third one is wearing me out, but appears to be holding the cancer at bay, but I am always at risk for severe side effects, such as stroke, heart attack, internal bleeeding, liver failure, and kidney failure. And now they want me to "try" one more? There's just so much a person can take. What I really want is for all of this to go away so I can go back to "normal".
So how can I end this blog on a positive note? Only with a word of encouragement from the Bible. This one is definitely for me.
"Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yea, our God is merciful. The Lord preserveth the simple; I was brought low, and he helped me. Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee. For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm116: 5-9
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