It's time for Erbitux.

I saw my oncologist today and the news wasn't good. It appears that my current chemo regimen is no longer effective. She wants to change me to Erbitux and possibly go back on oxaliplatin, the stuff that damaged my nerves and made me extremely sensitive to touching anything cold, or even breathing cold air. My prognosis is not very good. A CT scan will be done next week. That will tell whether or not the cancer has grown. Meanwhile, I get an extra two weeks off from chemo.

The strange thing is, I don't feel any different. I fact, I have become interested in doing crafts, such as crocheting, cross-stitch and quilting again. I have a new desire to live, to see my first grandchild born, to visit new places.

If I take the oxaliplatin, my hands will likely become useless, or at least less useful. Typing or writing with a pen will be painful. Walking in shoes will be very uncomfortable, worse than it is now. Forget crocheting and cross-stitch. I won't be able to hold onto a needle or hook. Even my lips will become numb, and eating or drinking anything cold will be impossible due to the pain. No more ice cream! Or cold drinks.



On top of that, the Erbitux will possibly create a painful, acne-like rash. I have heard from some colon cancer patients that there is a way to treat it and it can improve.



This is going to be a tough call, because if the cancer isn't stopped, I likely don't have long to live. And dying from liver failure due to colon cancer is not a pleasant experience.



I need wisdom and courage whether to say yea or nay to oxaliplatin. I think I'll say yes to Erbitux. And I need more determination to eat better ( ie get rid of life's little pleasures...hard to do when you have to suffer so many other unpleasantries).

Zephaniah 3:17

"The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing." Zeph. 3:17



This is a really cool verse. It was brought up in my Sunday School in reference to how God rejoices in those who love and obey Him. It is in particular reference to the time when the faithful remnant of the children of Israel will be restored in their fellowship with God. The verse reveals something about the character of God. He has joy and delight in those who love Him. And He sings about it. Imagine that! As He "rests in His love" He sings a song of joy and love, ie a lovesong.



I have never thought of God singing. Certainly, the Bible encourages us to sing praises to God, but I never knew that God sings as He rejoices in His people. It makes sense that the One who gave us the ability to sing and to make music would be able to do the same. What a beautiful thought. What a delightful verse to meditate on.

What I want to be when I grow up

I am 52 years old and I finally know what I should have done with my life. I have felt so unsettled by my missing out on having a lucrative vocation. Don't get me wrong. I have done one of the things I wanted to do, and that was to be a stay at home mom. In my college days , of course, I had not envisioned myself as a mother. Once I got married and became a mother, I was committed to putting that first in my life. It was a good decision I shall never regret. But I often wished I could do something that would earn an income. My problem was not that I was uneducated. I have both a bachelor's degree and a Master's degree, but neither of them made me employable.

My problem was multi-faceted. First, I did not understand the world of the job market. I went to college to learn. I had a hunger to learn. Somehow I expected that taking courses under a prescribed curriculum would translate into giving me a title that would make me employable. But since I wasn't studying to be a nurse or doctor or engineer or business adminstrator or teacher, I did not have an automatic title. Second, I did not know how to choose something to study that would get me to the position of having a job title. Third, I did not yet know what I truly valued, and therefore I could not find a path that would satisfy me throughout my life. Fourth, I did not have a mentor to guide me, to help me discover my strengths and focus on becoming excellent at something. Fifth, I did not know the vast extent of the possibilities I could pursue. I did not expect that I could be a good enough musician to get into a symphony orchestra. I never realized the potential of being a private music teacher. Nor did I think about popular entertainment nor playing at weddings nor of making one's own recordings (modern technology makes that so much easier).

But now I am much more aware and I know how it all could have worked out. And I know that I should have worked really hard when I was young to become highly skilled so that what I did was second nature to me even before I went to college. Some might say, well then, it's not too late to start again, is it?

Well, no and yes. When I was young, I liked music and I learned to play several instruments. To be really good at music, you have to start young, when the fingers and brain can work at a faster pace to learn to be adept. I know now that I should have learned the piano and the violin. I would have liked to be able to classical violin as well as fiddle style. Piano is simply basic to the study of music. And it is quite useful for teaching private lessons and to help out at church. There is not much popular demand for bassoonists.

I also liked traditional needle crafts and sewing. Folk crafts, such as basket making and weaving, fascinated me. Again, it is good to start young. That is a good time to make things to sell and thereby learn to have a business. I could possibly do that again, but I have nerve damage in my fingers and I am not so limber. And there is time when I feel too ill to do anything. But I could try. But do I have enough time left to become truly artistic at what I could do? I do not know. Certainly I do not have as much time as I would want to have.

So, I would have focused on music and crafts. But there is one more thing. I have a deep interest in living things. And I like dirt. I have an interest in improving our environment. And I have a somewhat romantic notion about homesteading/subsistence farming. I did major in environmental design in college ( a non-professional degree I found out in my senior year). I think I did not fit in well with the designer types. It was more about landscape architecture for the rich. I was a small town girl with a love for the country. Now I know what I should have studied....farming. I love Elliot Coleman's books about organic farming. I could have learned to earn a living through farming and being a good steward of the land. I could have incorporated writing about it, or offering workshops etc.

So now I know. At least I have settled the big question of what I would want to do. Whether I can do it is another matter. It has taken 35 years to finally fit the pieces together of my interests, talents, personality, core values etc. I was never cut out to work an office job or lab job. I wanted to live close to the earth, with music in my soul and the ability to do something profound yet practical. Now, with cancer and chemo and financial straits, these dreams may not come true. But maybe someone reading this will find some encouragement to pursue a dream while they can. Or to discover the dream in the first place.

"And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men" Colossians 3:23

"...study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands ..." 1 Thess. 4:11