Liver failure

I am officially no longer taking treatments for cancer. My liver is failing and the treatments would just add to my suffering and/or the deterioration of my liver. My prognosis is now less than two months, although things could go differently. The focus is on comfort and improving my sleep pattern.



I know my recent posts have sounded down. Until I got a stronger pain medication, I indeed was feeling quite miserable. The new medication is helping, though it has its own side effects.



I have enjoyed having my children spending time with me. And soon other family members will come to Tennessee to see my husband and me. That will be a blessing.I am trying to use the time I have to finish some writing and crocheting and getting things organized around here, particularly paperwork. I am also spending time reading the Bible and thanking and praising the Lord for His mercies that are new each day.



"I will bless the Lord at all times: His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make her boast in the Lord; the humble shall here thereof and be glad. O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together. I sought the Lord and He heard me and delivered me from all my fears. " Psalms 34: 1-4

Waiting on the Lord

There are times when waiting is all one can do.

I've been pondering how it is I should be handling my situation right now, how I should be behaving. One thing that your comments and emails have shown me is that I need to keep praising God for His goodness, keep delighting in Him, and keep thanking Him for His mercies each day. So while I wait, I will try to focus on that. Pray that I do. As the Bible says, a merry heart doeth good like a medicine. Right now, that is the kind of medicine I need.

News

I saw my doctor today and found out that most of my malaise is due to my liver. Even the itching. We know this because my liver function tests were very bad. I was also told that my KRAS test was sent to New York and may take one more week to get results.

Still here

I haven't been feeling up to writing. I'm not getting much sleep and I'm still uncomfortable. If any of you , my friends or family, have some words of encouragement for me, especially a Bible verse, leave it as a comment or email me. I could use it right now.

Not feeling good

Still waiting for test results.
Still not being treated.
Feeling poorly.
This is not fun.
Lord, be merciful.

Life

Life. It is more than mere existence. A Bible dictionary describes the Jewish concept of life as vitality, productivity, fulfilling a purpose that delights the soul.

Jesus said "... I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." John 10:10

Life is a gift from God. A vital, productive, fulfilling life is an extraordinary gift. More than that, abundant, eternal life is the most supreme gift of all.

I hope that you desire Life. More than that I hope that you receive the gift of eternal life through faith in Jesus Christ.

Colon Cancer Update, etc

I had a second opinion consultation with the fine folks at the Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center. The doctor I spoke with said no to oxaliplatin...the neuropathy I have is too much to take any more oxaliplatin. She recommends irinotecan with Erbitux. However, before I can start on Erbitux, I need to have the biopsy slides tested for a particular mutation. That test will determine whether or not the Erbitux will work on me. It takes a long time to get this done.

Meanwhile, I am receiving no treatment at all, and that concerns me. Old symptoms of pain and fever have returned. My prognosis statistically is still not good. A matter of months. Fortunately, I am in relatively good health otherwise, except for my liver. The CT scan did not show any remarkable new growth. So maybe I have more than less time remaining.

Now is the time for my husband and I to get things in order. This is a very difficult thing to talk about, but it has to be done, just in case. I'm a planner; I like to be prepared. When I pack for a trip, I have a list of everything that is needed. I don't want to forget anything. So this to me is just another of those things in life one has to prepare for, even while I prepare for continuing to live.

I am putting some of my energy into writing down any words of wisdom to pass on to my children and grandchildren. I particularly want my grandchildren, none of whom are even born yet, to get to know a little about me. This probably is because I never got to know my own grandparents very well. My father's parents died long before I was born and my mother's mother died when I was 4. The only one I got to know a little bit was my mother's father, but he was a quiet man.

I still want my blog to be a place where I share words of wisdom and encouragement, but I am finding it difficult to find something new to say. I wrote a lot on another blog that no longer exists. Perhaps I will repeat some of those postings here. What do you think, fans? Would that be acceptable?

Well, we shall see what happens. There is a great unknown ahead of me. Here is a verse I will need to dwell on a lot:

"I can do all things through Christ which stengtheneth me." Phil. 4:13

Stopping to smell the roses

I know, that's an old cliche. But it is what my husband and I have been doing a little more of lately. A few weeks ago we took a trip back north just to visit family. We took more time than the usual rush up and back. We had a good time rekindling the family ties. We also took some time to actually stop and see some sights along the way, such as a waterfall in the Delaware Water Gap in Pennsylvania. We had driven that road (Route 209) for as many years as we have been married and we never stopped to follow any of the signs to the falls. It was such a delight to be walking in the cool shade amidst the wild rhododendrons, following a boardwalk trail to the waterfalls. We also visited Lancaster County (Amish country) and actually went into some of the shops and a quilt museum (which inspired me to try my hand at making a simple quilt). Finally, last weekend we went to the Creation Museum in Florence, KY almost at the spur of the moment (sorry, another cliche) and thoroughly enjoyed it. The ministry of Answers in Genesis has done a fantastic job.

Something else I have been doing, which I have neglected, is crocheting. After making two small blankets, I wonder why I hadn't done this sooner. I enjoy crafts such as needlework, crochet and sewing. I did a lot more when I was younger. It is strange, but I have a hard time getting myself to start a project, but once I do, I thoroughly enjoy it, even if I do make mistakes, and I find it hard to stop.

Before I close, I must share a Bible verse. Have I shared this one before?

"Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's. " Psalms 103: 1- 5

It's time for Erbitux.

I saw my oncologist today and the news wasn't good. It appears that my current chemo regimen is no longer effective. She wants to change me to Erbitux and possibly go back on oxaliplatin, the stuff that damaged my nerves and made me extremely sensitive to touching anything cold, or even breathing cold air. My prognosis is not very good. A CT scan will be done next week. That will tell whether or not the cancer has grown. Meanwhile, I get an extra two weeks off from chemo.

The strange thing is, I don't feel any different. I fact, I have become interested in doing crafts, such as crocheting, cross-stitch and quilting again. I have a new desire to live, to see my first grandchild born, to visit new places.

If I take the oxaliplatin, my hands will likely become useless, or at least less useful. Typing or writing with a pen will be painful. Walking in shoes will be very uncomfortable, worse than it is now. Forget crocheting and cross-stitch. I won't be able to hold onto a needle or hook. Even my lips will become numb, and eating or drinking anything cold will be impossible due to the pain. No more ice cream! Or cold drinks.



On top of that, the Erbitux will possibly create a painful, acne-like rash. I have heard from some colon cancer patients that there is a way to treat it and it can improve.



This is going to be a tough call, because if the cancer isn't stopped, I likely don't have long to live. And dying from liver failure due to colon cancer is not a pleasant experience.



I need wisdom and courage whether to say yea or nay to oxaliplatin. I think I'll say yes to Erbitux. And I need more determination to eat better ( ie get rid of life's little pleasures...hard to do when you have to suffer so many other unpleasantries).

Zephaniah 3:17

"The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing." Zeph. 3:17



This is a really cool verse. It was brought up in my Sunday School in reference to how God rejoices in those who love and obey Him. It is in particular reference to the time when the faithful remnant of the children of Israel will be restored in their fellowship with God. The verse reveals something about the character of God. He has joy and delight in those who love Him. And He sings about it. Imagine that! As He "rests in His love" He sings a song of joy and love, ie a lovesong.



I have never thought of God singing. Certainly, the Bible encourages us to sing praises to God, but I never knew that God sings as He rejoices in His people. It makes sense that the One who gave us the ability to sing and to make music would be able to do the same. What a beautiful thought. What a delightful verse to meditate on.

What I want to be when I grow up

I am 52 years old and I finally know what I should have done with my life. I have felt so unsettled by my missing out on having a lucrative vocation. Don't get me wrong. I have done one of the things I wanted to do, and that was to be a stay at home mom. In my college days , of course, I had not envisioned myself as a mother. Once I got married and became a mother, I was committed to putting that first in my life. It was a good decision I shall never regret. But I often wished I could do something that would earn an income. My problem was not that I was uneducated. I have both a bachelor's degree and a Master's degree, but neither of them made me employable.

My problem was multi-faceted. First, I did not understand the world of the job market. I went to college to learn. I had a hunger to learn. Somehow I expected that taking courses under a prescribed curriculum would translate into giving me a title that would make me employable. But since I wasn't studying to be a nurse or doctor or engineer or business adminstrator or teacher, I did not have an automatic title. Second, I did not know how to choose something to study that would get me to the position of having a job title. Third, I did not yet know what I truly valued, and therefore I could not find a path that would satisfy me throughout my life. Fourth, I did not have a mentor to guide me, to help me discover my strengths and focus on becoming excellent at something. Fifth, I did not know the vast extent of the possibilities I could pursue. I did not expect that I could be a good enough musician to get into a symphony orchestra. I never realized the potential of being a private music teacher. Nor did I think about popular entertainment nor playing at weddings nor of making one's own recordings (modern technology makes that so much easier).

But now I am much more aware and I know how it all could have worked out. And I know that I should have worked really hard when I was young to become highly skilled so that what I did was second nature to me even before I went to college. Some might say, well then, it's not too late to start again, is it?

Well, no and yes. When I was young, I liked music and I learned to play several instruments. To be really good at music, you have to start young, when the fingers and brain can work at a faster pace to learn to be adept. I know now that I should have learned the piano and the violin. I would have liked to be able to classical violin as well as fiddle style. Piano is simply basic to the study of music. And it is quite useful for teaching private lessons and to help out at church. There is not much popular demand for bassoonists.

I also liked traditional needle crafts and sewing. Folk crafts, such as basket making and weaving, fascinated me. Again, it is good to start young. That is a good time to make things to sell and thereby learn to have a business. I could possibly do that again, but I have nerve damage in my fingers and I am not so limber. And there is time when I feel too ill to do anything. But I could try. But do I have enough time left to become truly artistic at what I could do? I do not know. Certainly I do not have as much time as I would want to have.

So, I would have focused on music and crafts. But there is one more thing. I have a deep interest in living things. And I like dirt. I have an interest in improving our environment. And I have a somewhat romantic notion about homesteading/subsistence farming. I did major in environmental design in college ( a non-professional degree I found out in my senior year). I think I did not fit in well with the designer types. It was more about landscape architecture for the rich. I was a small town girl with a love for the country. Now I know what I should have studied....farming. I love Elliot Coleman's books about organic farming. I could have learned to earn a living through farming and being a good steward of the land. I could have incorporated writing about it, or offering workshops etc.

So now I know. At least I have settled the big question of what I would want to do. Whether I can do it is another matter. It has taken 35 years to finally fit the pieces together of my interests, talents, personality, core values etc. I was never cut out to work an office job or lab job. I wanted to live close to the earth, with music in my soul and the ability to do something profound yet practical. Now, with cancer and chemo and financial straits, these dreams may not come true. But maybe someone reading this will find some encouragement to pursue a dream while they can. Or to discover the dream in the first place.

"And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men" Colossians 3:23

"...study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands ..." 1 Thess. 4:11

Dealing With Death

I have noticed that quite a few of my posts deal with the topic of death. Hmm. It is not exactly the most encouraging topic there is, but it is a very real topic that we all must face. After losing both my parents in just a little over a month, and knowing that I am facing an uncertainty about my own life, it is understandable that I am thinking about such a topic.



I have stated previously that I do not fear death, but the suffering associated with it. That still is true. I am so certain of my future after death, that nothing can waiver my faith. But a new dimension has been added to my thinking about the process of dying. I watched my father die, although I was not present in the same room when he took his last breath. Let me tell you , it was an awful thing to watch. And when I saw his body, with its yellow pallor and expressionless face, I thought, "This is not my Dad. He is not here. " The person, the spirit, of my father was gone. I think no one could deny that. And to me, that is evidence that there is more to life and death than science or medicine can explain.



The Bible describes humans as having a body, a soul, and a spirit. Triune. Made in the image of God. It also says that our spirits are eternal, destined for either life in God's special place, or in torment in Hell. That is what Jesus taught. And one cannot ignore that part of Jesus' teaching just because it makes one uncomfortable. The whole point is that mankind needs to be rescued from a future in Hell, and that is what Jesus came to do, to rescue us, ie to save us, hence the title Savior. He did not speak about Hell to condemn us, but to warn us and to provide a way of escape. That should be good news to anyone.



But those who reject what the Bible says about judgment and Hell reject the good news of salvation. Afterall, what would there be to be saved from? They may say " How could a loving God send anyone to Hell?" They should ask , "How could anyone ever be good enough to deserve eternal life in a place where there can be no sin?" God is holy and just, as well as loving. He is also the Almighty One, the Creator of all there is. He makes the rules. We must give an account to Him, not He to us. As the Bible says, "And it is appointed unto men once to die, and after this the judgment." (Heb 9:27)



It is no wonder people fear death. It is an ugly thing, and can be the passageway to a horrible future, or a beautiful one. Few people want to talk about it, yet it is vitally important that we do talk about. Various religions have attempted to deal with it by offering steps one can take to give one a better chance in the afterlife. The Christian faith is different. It offers a relationship with Almighty God in which one's eternal destiny is safe and secure through faith in what God has already done to guarantee our future. Any good works that follow faith are simply an expression of that faith.



Throughout history, some have turned Christianity into a religion of works and thereby have missed out on the grace of God. Others have attacked it for being too narrow and judgmental, and therefore have tried to eliminate it. True Christian faith believes that Jesus, who was God in the flesh, paid the debt for our sin through His death on the cross and that He secured eternal life for us when He rose from the dead. That is it, quite simply. Christianity is believing by faith and living out one's faith. I don't understand why so many reject it and think it is evil, when it is good.

Bereavement Again

On May 29, 2008 my mother died of congestive heart failure, just a month and 4 days after my father died. Again, my brother and his wife were her caregivers for the weeks following my Dad's passing. In addition to that burden, my brother was still trying to settle matters regarding my father's death and was trying to get things set up so that he could take care of Mom's financial needs. Now, the situation has changed yet again, and he is in the mode of being executor of the estate. My brother and sister-in-law have been amazing under all this stress.

My part has been small in comparison. My husband and I spent a week up north in my parents home cleaning out the junk and sorting through papers to find anything of value. It was a major task, considering my parents threw nothing out in their later years, and saved a whole lot from their earlier days. I am glad that we were able to do what we could to give my brother and his wife some relief.

The past six or seven weeks have been an incredible journey. We traveled north three times, mourned the loss of two parents, reconnected with extended family members and neighbors of my parents, and pondered life and death, family and love. So much has gone through my mind. Some feelings and thoughts have been too deep to express. I know, however, that I have been changed by it all.

I'm Back

My husband and I returned yesterday from our travels. It was good to be home.


Yesterday I had my CT scan done, and today my bloodwork. Next Tuesday I see my doctor. I will need to discuss with her my schedule of treatments and ask whether I can schedule another trip to Massachusetts. My mother's health is failing and she cannot be left alone. My brother and sister-in-law have done a tremendous job of looking after her and getting things in motion to provide care for her, but they need a break. Her doctors are recommending hospice care, which usually is ordered when there is nothing further that they can do and the prognosis is for six months or less to live.


Meanwhile, I need to get back on a regular schedule of treatments to keep this cancer at bay. I will have more information after my Tuesday appointment.


I am still waiting on the Lord, still trusting in His care. I just don't have any new insights to share. Maybe something will come to me after I get some rest and have more time to ponder God's word and His ways.

By the way, if you have a question, send it to me via email (for those of you who know me) or leave it in a comment. I do my best writing in response to something or someone.

"Wait on the Lord; be of good courage. And He shall strengthen thine heart. Wait, I say , on the Lord!" Psalm 27:14

Time out

I am leaving soon to go back to Massachusetts for my father's funeral and then on to a previously scheduled family vacation. When I return from vacation I will have a CT scan and soon after meet with my doctor to discuss my condition. I won't have anything to report until after the 20th. Check back with me then.

Bereavement

My Dad passed away on April 25, 2008. He became unconscious sometime Monday night. He remained that way until Friday. He died in his own home with his family there. He was 88 years old. There will be a private grave-side service for him next week.

My brother and sister-in-law were tremendous as they bore the burden of caring for him in his uncoscious state, and also caring for my mother who is quite frail. And now they are working hard to arrange things for Mom.

I am glad that I was able to be there, doing what little I could.

There are many things going through my mind that I cannot share. They are too personal. They are too inexplicable. So much is happening in our family at the same time. I am praying for grace.

Grace

When a difficult situation arises and you don't know how to handle it,
When you feel the stress mounting and you are afraid you will explode,
When you know your natural inclination to respond in anger is taking over,

Pray for grace.

Pray for the Lord to take over.
Pray for the supernatural ability to do right.

Pray for grace.

When your heart is empty and there is no more to give,
No love, no patience, no strength,

Pray for grace and He will give it.

When it rains, it pours

This past Friday, both of my parents ended up in the hospital. My Dad had an emergency. My Mom needed an unscheduled procedure to remove excess fluid that was building up in her. She has congestive heart failure. The doctors are still trying to determine what is wrong with my father. And I can do nothing to help. The burden must fall on my brother and his wife.

God's grace is needed by all of us more than ever.

Running on Empty

Sometimes we run on empty. Have you ever felt that way? I did last night. There were still several hours left in the day and I could not find anything I wanted to do. There was nothing I wanted to read. There was nothing I wanted make. There was nothing I wanted to write. I had nothing to say. I had nothing to give. I was bored and unmotivated, but I could not stand to waste the time I had (I had already wasted a lot of time during the day). So I did the dishes (yes, they should have been done sooner) and made my husband's lunch for the next day. But I was still empty.

The routines of daily life, such as doing chores, can be done when we run on empty. They are rote tasks that we know how to do and we can do them mechanically. However, to do something with interest and energy, to be inspired or excited, or to love and give of oneself unselfishly requires the spark of life to ignite and blaze, to fill our inner reservoir so that it spills over and touches the lives of others. That doesn't happen when you are running on empty.

Sometimes all we need is rest. Being physically and even mentally weary saps our strength and empties our reserves. Sometimes we need proper nutrition. Our body is weakened when it is fed empty calories. Sometimes we need a break from stress. External demands and pressures on our inner person disconnect us from our inner strength. I have experienced these various drains and strains, but I don't think they were the reason for my feeling empty for the past few days.

I have some idea of what was wrong. I won't go into all the details. I can sum it up by saying that I became temporarily blind, that is to say, I lost my sight. I lost sight of my purpose and significance. I lost sight of what God wants me to do with my life.

Happily, God gave me a little surprise last night. In the midst of my emptiness, I got a nudge. And because I responded to that nudge and did what it told me to do, I spent the last hour before bedtime feeling my purpose return and my cup filling up. In addition, I was given some creative inspiration that I knew wasn't mine. It couldn't be. I had none to start out with, therefore I knew the source of such inspiration had to be the Lord. I am not capable of making something out of nothing. Only He can.

Ephesians 3:14-21 is a good passage relating to being filled, but I won't quote it all here. I will close with the last two verses.

"Now unto him that is able to exceedingly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh within us, unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Whew! I'm Tired.

Gardening a little at a time is okay, but silly me got into it on this gorgeous day and did more than I should have. I spent nearly three hours at it and didn't realize it. Now I'm tired, but I don't mind because I feel as though I accomplished something (which unlike doing dishes, does not have to be done every day) and I have participated in living.

Tomorrow I start another cycle (two weeks on, one week off) of chemo, but after this one I will be taking a short break to go on a trip to see family and friends and to do a little sight-seeing. My husband and I need to take the time to get away. He will have finished a very trying year teaching at the comunity college and being the head of his department (that is to say, he has extra work added on to him that consumes a lot of his time). As for me, I have been a "shut-in" all winter, particularly during the flu season. I need to get out of the house!

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones." Proverbs 17:22"

John 14:23

"... if a man love me, he will keep my words; and my Father will love him and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him. John 14:23

Awesome. Those words are deep and astounding.

That verse was one of the latest entries in a special journal I keep. It is a journal for writing those profound lessons I learn from the Bible, or through life circumstances. I only write a brief thought that summarizes what God has impressed upon my heart. I review this journal over and over so that I don't forget what I have learned. It is so easy to forget the important things when the immediate and the urgent things crowd our minds.

The first profound thought is a conditional one. If a man love me, he will keep my words, ie receive them, treasure them, do them. It makes one have to pause and reflect on one's level of obedience and commitment to Jesus and his teachings. This is very humbling for me, because I know I fall short.

The second thought is also conditional, but very rewarding. If one loves Christ, and keeps his word, the Father will also love him or her. Jesus said in the gospels that he and his Father are one. This statement is evidence for the doctrine of the Trinity, which I am not qualified to comment on. However, my heart reaction to this statement was that God's love was personal and infinitely immense and doubly sure (being from the Father and the Son).

The third thought is simply mind staggering. If a person loves Jesus and keeps his word, the Father and the Son will come to him or her and live with him or her. Not only is that a statement that evidences that God offers us a personal relationship (He is not an impersonal force), but it gives evidence that there is the potential for an intimacy with God like that of a family or marriage, of living together, sharing together, being involved with each other.

That is the kind of relationship I need in order to face the trials of each day.

By the way, it took a few more days, but I did start to feel stronger. I planted a few more perennials in my little flower garden and I am going to tackle improving yet another dull spot in our yard. I am finding gardening and landscaping to be very rewarding work that I can handle a little at a time.

Shouldn't I be feeling better?

This is supposed to be my good week, but it's taking longer to get over the chemo effects. I hope this weakness in my legs goes away soon. I took a walk in my neighborhood with my husband on Sunday and near the end found myself barely able to make my legs move as I climbed the last little incline.

At some point in time I will have to make a choice between quality of life and quantity of life. At least, that is what my doctor said. She told me that the chemotherapy is what is causing this weakness, which is why she has to give me breaks from it periodically. It will be very difficult to make that decision when the time comes. She also said she believes it is the chemo that is keeping me alive (The nasty cancer keeps growing when I don't have chemo.) Frankly, I cannot envision myself taking chemo for even another year, but I can also not envision myself giving up on living either. As I have said before, it is not that I am afraid to die, but I do not want to cause my loved ones the pain of losing me, nor do I want to suffer worse consequences for not taking chemo.

What is even more difficult to decide is whether or not to let my doctor "try" one more drug to add to the secret potion she is giving me. Yes, the emphasis is on try. Somehow I am supposed to muster up the courage to endure additional side effects, some of which could be fatal, but only to about 3% of the patients in the clinical trial. Okay, doctor, tell me, would you like to "try" it and see how it feels? Would you like to be in the 3% that didn't make it due to an extreme reaction, particularly when even the manufacturer ( I went to their website) states that there is no evidence that this drug improves the quality or the quantity of life? Better yet, why don't you try taking the other stuff you are giving me, which is already weakening me, and then add that new stuff.

Am I getting too cynical? I hope not. But I am trying to use my brain to the best of my ability. I want good information so I can make a reasonable decision. I don't want trial and error. I don't want to take an unnecessary risk. I have already done that. The first chemo regimen I was given was quite aggressive and had to be stopped. The second didn't do me any good. The cancer grew. The third one is wearing me out, but appears to be holding the cancer at bay, but I am always at risk for severe side effects, such as stroke, heart attack, internal bleeeding, liver failure, and kidney failure. And now they want me to "try" one more? There's just so much a person can take. What I really want is for all of this to go away so I can go back to "normal".

So how can I end this blog on a positive note? Only with a word of encouragement from the Bible. This one is definitely for me.

"Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yea, our God is merciful. The Lord preserveth the simple; I was brought low, and he helped me. Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee. For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm116: 5-9

The big surprise

What a wonderful blessing I received this weekend. First, my husband's sister Gloria and brother-in-law Charlie came down from Pennsylvania for a visit. We had known about this visit for a while. And since our son couldn't make it (he lives in CT) and our daughter (4 hours away) had too much on the go with grad school and work, we were really looking forward to having some family visit us over the Easter weekend.

Gloria and Charlie arrived Friday evening around 7:30 PM after a long but safe trip. We stayed up until 1 AM talking. Saturday morning everyone slept in while our youngest son got up and made a pancake and sausage breakfast for everyone. (Well, I heard he was up so I did get up to help. I'm a mom afterall.) That day we took Gloria and Charlie for a drive to see our old haunts. Then at around 5:30 PM there was a knock on our door and, to our great surprise, there was our daughter! My husband answered the door and literally jumped when she came out of hiding to greet him. I didn't know anything was happening until I came out of my rooom, walked down the hall and there she was. Come to find out, Gloria was the instigator of the surprise.

We had another good visit that evening, but didn't stay up quite so late since it was Easter Sunday the next day. Sunday morning, my husband got up early and went out to the living room. He was going to try to get some work done for his job before everyone got up. Alan came back to the room and told me he needed me to come out. Knowing my sister and brother-in-law were there, I asked him if I needed to be presentable. He said no. I threw on my housecoat, ran my fingers threw my hair, knowing how it gets all stuck up on my head when I sleep, and I went to the living room. There I found my oldest son and his wife. They drove down from CT through the night. I couldn't contain my joy and so I started to cry. My heart was so full.

What a blessing! Thank you Lord for all my family. Thank you family for all your love.

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

I love warm weather and sunshine. Such is the weather today in east Tennessee. I am finally feeling more "normal" since my last chemo treatment. I could almost forget I have cancer, if it weren't for the numbness in my hands, feet and legs and the little ache in my side that I first noticed in July of 2006. On days like today, I feel like living and I pray that the Lord will let me live longer. On other days, after I get chemotherapy, I just pray "Lord help me".

Today my thoughts turned to the Ten Commandments. Here is the first one.

"I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have no other gods before me." Exodus 20:2-3

When we learn the Ten Commandments, we don't often consider verse 2 that comes before the first "thou shalt". It is, however, a very significant verse. Here we read who it is we are not to have any gods before. It is here that we are told it the LORD who brought the Hebrew people out of Egypt. It is Jehovah, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

There is a lot to meditate on in those verses. It is interesting that God commands that we shall have no other gods. What other gods? Are there any other gods? My thoughts recalled that in the book of Isaiah God speaks about this very thing.

"Thus saith the LORD, the King of Israel, and his redeemer the LORD of hosts; I am the first, and the last; and beside me there is no God." Isaiah 44:6

God declares that he is the only God many times in the book of Isaiah. The nation of Israel, in those days, often fell away from worshipping God to worshipping the idols of the nations around them. Even though the LORD had done so much to prove who He was to them, they soon abandoned Him and fell into idol worship. Since they were His chosen people, the ones through whom He wanted to reveal Himself to the world, it was important that they acknowledge Him; therefore, God gave this commandment.

The commandment is applicable to us today, even if we are not Jews. To follow after any other gods is vain. There are no other gods; therefore, if we want to know the true God, the who is our Creator, our Redeemer, our Lord, and Savior, then we must acknowledge the one who calls Himself Jehovah, the self-existent One. Even today, when people talk about "God", it may be unclear whom they think God is. The Bible makes it very clear.

Doing a study of the names of God is very rewarding. I encourage you to do so. The English Bible indicates the various names of God only through the variations of typeset used for God and Lord, as well as by including the phrases "Holy One of Israel" and "Lord of Hosts", or "God Almighty". You will need to find out the original Hebrew words and their definitions in order to gain the full depth of the meaning of the names of God. It will be a study well worth your time and effort.

Feeling Better

Oh it feels good to be a week out from chemo. Usually, it is the day before chemo ie Mondays) that I usually feel more normal, then, bam,I get another dose. But this is my week off, so I am sooo glad. I can start to do things again. This week it will be a little Spring cleaning and a little spackling in the hall bathroom that we tore up for a repair to the master bath, without finishing the wall.

And Spring is coming to east Tennessee. The birds, the flowers, the warmer temperatures - they're back.

Today I read one of my favorite passages in the Bible - Matthew 11:28-30.

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light."

What an invitation that is. To put aside the trials of this life and to find rest in knowing Christ and being "yoked" to Him. I picture that like a yoke of oxen, where one is the strong one (Christ) who carries the weight of all the burdens, and the other is weak and weary and finds the help and strength to carry on because of being joined to the stronger one by the yoke. I know that is how it is for me. Not only that, but Jesus is meek and lowly of heart. Meekness is not weakness. It is strength under control. He does not use His power to bully anyone into submission, nor is He haughty or arrogant. Rather He is tenderhearted and full of mercy to those who accept His invitation of putting their faith in Him and allowing His Lordship in their lives.

Furthermore, such an invitation is not without its benefits. In "exchange" for the yoke, you get forgiveness of sins, a clean slate, eternal life, adoption as a joint heir with Christ, a changed heart, a new outlook on life, the opportunity to bear the fruit of the Holy Spirit (love, joy peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, self-control - if we allow it), and a personal knowledge of God.

So why do so many reject His offer? I think it must our human pride. We don't want to admit we are in need of His help, that we, as good as we might think we are, are still what the Bible calls sinners, rebels against God's way. We have inherited Adam's curse just by being born. God's solution is faith in His Son's substitutionary sacrifice for us personally. It's so simple. But people would rather come up with their own ideas of how to get "back to the garden", back to innocence. The trouble is, it's not the way God has prescribed as the only cure for our "disease". So people turn away from the best offer they could ever receive. As a result, they miss out on so much. I wish it wasn't that way.

The Fear of Death

"Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he [Jesus] also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is the devil; and deliver them who through the fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage. For verily he took not on him the nature of angels; but took on him the seed of Abraham. Wherefore in all things it behoved him to be made like unto his brethren, that he might be a merciful and faithful high priest in things pertaining to God, to make reconciliation for the sins of the people." Hebrews 2:14-17

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16

The fear of death can be a healthy phenomenon. The fear of death keeps us from doing foolish things, like eating poisonous plants or jumping off of a cliff without a hang glider or parafoil. It is what keeps us going to doctors for help when we are sick, and what keeps EMT's giving resuscitation to accident victims.

There is another aspect of the fear of death that is a bondage. Many can be manipulated, threatened, or forced into dangerous or even evil behavior, such as killing someone else, because of the threat of death for themselves. According to the Bible, this fear has led to many false religious practices, to wicked behavior, and ultimately to rejecting any acknowledgement of God, because to acknowledge the God of the Bible, is to recognize Him as our Creator, to realize that He has the right to exercise authority, and to admit that we are accountable to Him for our actions. In fact, there are innumerable examples in the Bible of how God justly issued punishment on people for their evil ways, particularly when they reached the point of rejecting God's authority.

But while God is our authority , the one we are accountable to and whom we are encouraged to seek and to find and to believe, He is also our loving Savior who does not want us to remain in bondage to fear and to sin. That is why He took on a human form, was born of a virgin, without the sin of Adam, so that He could pay the price (redeem us) and satisfy the Father's demand for justice, by taking our punishment for us. He died a cruel death for no sin of his own, he was buried and rose the third day, and later ascended to heaven to show us that He will fulfill the promise He made to all who will believe in Him and call upon Him for salvation, that is, the gift of eternal life.

This gift He offers is free. All you need to do is call on Him and agree with Him that you are in need His forgiveness for all you have done in disbelief, and believe that Jesus has paid it all. Thank Him for your new freedom and ask Him to change your heart and life so that it will be pleasing to Him. Then go the Bible and and grow in your knowledge of God and in your faith. It will make all the difference in the world to you and your future.

The Truth of the Matter

"Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; and ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free." John 8:31-32

I am quite aware that my future on this earth is uncertain. My cancer is quite advanced and, without chemotherapy, I will not survive unless the Lord chooses to intervene in a miraculous way. Some of you who know me and read this are praying for such a miracle. Keep on praying. I know your prayers are sustaining me.

Meanwhile, I need to continue to praise God and proclaim that His mercy endures forever (Psalms 106:1). That is why I started this blog. Sometimes I may become sidetracked (as with my previous post), but my main intent is to encourage my readers to believe God, to believe the Bible, and to have faith in Jesus Christ, that He is whom He said He is and that He gives eternal life to all who believe. This is the fundamental truth that makes all the difference in life and in death. It is the truth that has given me the courage to face my trials and my death without fear. When I die, whenever that may be, I will truly begin to live.