Shouldn't I be feeling better?

This is supposed to be my good week, but it's taking longer to get over the chemo effects. I hope this weakness in my legs goes away soon. I took a walk in my neighborhood with my husband on Sunday and near the end found myself barely able to make my legs move as I climbed the last little incline.

At some point in time I will have to make a choice between quality of life and quantity of life. At least, that is what my doctor said. She told me that the chemotherapy is what is causing this weakness, which is why she has to give me breaks from it periodically. It will be very difficult to make that decision when the time comes. She also said she believes it is the chemo that is keeping me alive (The nasty cancer keeps growing when I don't have chemo.) Frankly, I cannot envision myself taking chemo for even another year, but I can also not envision myself giving up on living either. As I have said before, it is not that I am afraid to die, but I do not want to cause my loved ones the pain of losing me, nor do I want to suffer worse consequences for not taking chemo.

What is even more difficult to decide is whether or not to let my doctor "try" one more drug to add to the secret potion she is giving me. Yes, the emphasis is on try. Somehow I am supposed to muster up the courage to endure additional side effects, some of which could be fatal, but only to about 3% of the patients in the clinical trial. Okay, doctor, tell me, would you like to "try" it and see how it feels? Would you like to be in the 3% that didn't make it due to an extreme reaction, particularly when even the manufacturer ( I went to their website) states that there is no evidence that this drug improves the quality or the quantity of life? Better yet, why don't you try taking the other stuff you are giving me, which is already weakening me, and then add that new stuff.

Am I getting too cynical? I hope not. But I am trying to use my brain to the best of my ability. I want good information so I can make a reasonable decision. I don't want trial and error. I don't want to take an unnecessary risk. I have already done that. The first chemo regimen I was given was quite aggressive and had to be stopped. The second didn't do me any good. The cancer grew. The third one is wearing me out, but appears to be holding the cancer at bay, but I am always at risk for severe side effects, such as stroke, heart attack, internal bleeeding, liver failure, and kidney failure. And now they want me to "try" one more? There's just so much a person can take. What I really want is for all of this to go away so I can go back to "normal".

So how can I end this blog on a positive note? Only with a word of encouragement from the Bible. This one is definitely for me.

"Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yea, our God is merciful. The Lord preserveth the simple; I was brought low, and he helped me. Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee. For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm116: 5-9