Shouldn't I be feeling better?

This is supposed to be my good week, but it's taking longer to get over the chemo effects. I hope this weakness in my legs goes away soon. I took a walk in my neighborhood with my husband on Sunday and near the end found myself barely able to make my legs move as I climbed the last little incline.

At some point in time I will have to make a choice between quality of life and quantity of life. At least, that is what my doctor said. She told me that the chemotherapy is what is causing this weakness, which is why she has to give me breaks from it periodically. It will be very difficult to make that decision when the time comes. She also said she believes it is the chemo that is keeping me alive (The nasty cancer keeps growing when I don't have chemo.) Frankly, I cannot envision myself taking chemo for even another year, but I can also not envision myself giving up on living either. As I have said before, it is not that I am afraid to die, but I do not want to cause my loved ones the pain of losing me, nor do I want to suffer worse consequences for not taking chemo.

What is even more difficult to decide is whether or not to let my doctor "try" one more drug to add to the secret potion she is giving me. Yes, the emphasis is on try. Somehow I am supposed to muster up the courage to endure additional side effects, some of which could be fatal, but only to about 3% of the patients in the clinical trial. Okay, doctor, tell me, would you like to "try" it and see how it feels? Would you like to be in the 3% that didn't make it due to an extreme reaction, particularly when even the manufacturer ( I went to their website) states that there is no evidence that this drug improves the quality or the quantity of life? Better yet, why don't you try taking the other stuff you are giving me, which is already weakening me, and then add that new stuff.

Am I getting too cynical? I hope not. But I am trying to use my brain to the best of my ability. I want good information so I can make a reasonable decision. I don't want trial and error. I don't want to take an unnecessary risk. I have already done that. The first chemo regimen I was given was quite aggressive and had to be stopped. The second didn't do me any good. The cancer grew. The third one is wearing me out, but appears to be holding the cancer at bay, but I am always at risk for severe side effects, such as stroke, heart attack, internal bleeeding, liver failure, and kidney failure. And now they want me to "try" one more? There's just so much a person can take. What I really want is for all of this to go away so I can go back to "normal".

So how can I end this blog on a positive note? Only with a word of encouragement from the Bible. This one is definitely for me.

"Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yea, our God is merciful. The Lord preserveth the simple; I was brought low, and he helped me. Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee. For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm116: 5-9

The big surprise

What a wonderful blessing I received this weekend. First, my husband's sister Gloria and brother-in-law Charlie came down from Pennsylvania for a visit. We had known about this visit for a while. And since our son couldn't make it (he lives in CT) and our daughter (4 hours away) had too much on the go with grad school and work, we were really looking forward to having some family visit us over the Easter weekend.

Gloria and Charlie arrived Friday evening around 7:30 PM after a long but safe trip. We stayed up until 1 AM talking. Saturday morning everyone slept in while our youngest son got up and made a pancake and sausage breakfast for everyone. (Well, I heard he was up so I did get up to help. I'm a mom afterall.) That day we took Gloria and Charlie for a drive to see our old haunts. Then at around 5:30 PM there was a knock on our door and, to our great surprise, there was our daughter! My husband answered the door and literally jumped when she came out of hiding to greet him. I didn't know anything was happening until I came out of my rooom, walked down the hall and there she was. Come to find out, Gloria was the instigator of the surprise.

We had another good visit that evening, but didn't stay up quite so late since it was Easter Sunday the next day. Sunday morning, my husband got up early and went out to the living room. He was going to try to get some work done for his job before everyone got up. Alan came back to the room and told me he needed me to come out. Knowing my sister and brother-in-law were there, I asked him if I needed to be presentable. He said no. I threw on my housecoat, ran my fingers threw my hair, knowing how it gets all stuck up on my head when I sleep, and I went to the living room. There I found my oldest son and his wife. They drove down from CT through the night. I couldn't contain my joy and so I started to cry. My heart was so full.

What a blessing! Thank you Lord for all my family. Thank you family for all your love.

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

I love warm weather and sunshine. Such is the weather today in east Tennessee. I am finally feeling more "normal" since my last chemo treatment. I could almost forget I have cancer, if it weren't for the numbness in my hands, feet and legs and the little ache in my side that I first noticed in July of 2006. On days like today, I feel like living and I pray that the Lord will let me live longer. On other days, after I get chemotherapy, I just pray "Lord help me".

Today my thoughts turned to the Ten Commandments. Here is the first one.

"I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have no other gods before me." Exodus 20:2-3

When we learn the Ten Commandments, we don't often consider verse 2 that comes before the first "thou shalt". It is, however, a very significant verse. Here we read who it is we are not to have any gods before. It is here that we are told it the LORD who brought the Hebrew people out of Egypt. It is Jehovah, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

There is a lot to meditate on in those verses. It is interesting that God commands that we shall have no other gods. What other gods? Are there any other gods? My thoughts recalled that in the book of Isaiah God speaks about this very thing.

"Thus saith the LORD, the King of Israel, and his redeemer the LORD of hosts; I am the first, and the last; and beside me there is no God." Isaiah 44:6

God declares that he is the only God many times in the book of Isaiah. The nation of Israel, in those days, often fell away from worshipping God to worshipping the idols of the nations around them. Even though the LORD had done so much to prove who He was to them, they soon abandoned Him and fell into idol worship. Since they were His chosen people, the ones through whom He wanted to reveal Himself to the world, it was important that they acknowledge Him; therefore, God gave this commandment.

The commandment is applicable to us today, even if we are not Jews. To follow after any other gods is vain. There are no other gods; therefore, if we want to know the true God, the who is our Creator, our Redeemer, our Lord, and Savior, then we must acknowledge the one who calls Himself Jehovah, the self-existent One. Even today, when people talk about "God", it may be unclear whom they think God is. The Bible makes it very clear.

Doing a study of the names of God is very rewarding. I encourage you to do so. The English Bible indicates the various names of God only through the variations of typeset used for God and Lord, as well as by including the phrases "Holy One of Israel" and "Lord of Hosts", or "God Almighty". You will need to find out the original Hebrew words and their definitions in order to gain the full depth of the meaning of the names of God. It will be a study well worth your time and effort.

Feeling Better

Oh it feels good to be a week out from chemo. Usually, it is the day before chemo ie Mondays) that I usually feel more normal, then, bam,I get another dose. But this is my week off, so I am sooo glad. I can start to do things again. This week it will be a little Spring cleaning and a little spackling in the hall bathroom that we tore up for a repair to the master bath, without finishing the wall.

And Spring is coming to east Tennessee. The birds, the flowers, the warmer temperatures - they're back.

Today I read one of my favorite passages in the Bible - Matthew 11:28-30.

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light."

What an invitation that is. To put aside the trials of this life and to find rest in knowing Christ and being "yoked" to Him. I picture that like a yoke of oxen, where one is the strong one (Christ) who carries the weight of all the burdens, and the other is weak and weary and finds the help and strength to carry on because of being joined to the stronger one by the yoke. I know that is how it is for me. Not only that, but Jesus is meek and lowly of heart. Meekness is not weakness. It is strength under control. He does not use His power to bully anyone into submission, nor is He haughty or arrogant. Rather He is tenderhearted and full of mercy to those who accept His invitation of putting their faith in Him and allowing His Lordship in their lives.

Furthermore, such an invitation is not without its benefits. In "exchange" for the yoke, you get forgiveness of sins, a clean slate, eternal life, adoption as a joint heir with Christ, a changed heart, a new outlook on life, the opportunity to bear the fruit of the Holy Spirit (love, joy peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, self-control - if we allow it), and a personal knowledge of God.

So why do so many reject His offer? I think it must our human pride. We don't want to admit we are in need of His help, that we, as good as we might think we are, are still what the Bible calls sinners, rebels against God's way. We have inherited Adam's curse just by being born. God's solution is faith in His Son's substitutionary sacrifice for us personally. It's so simple. But people would rather come up with their own ideas of how to get "back to the garden", back to innocence. The trouble is, it's not the way God has prescribed as the only cure for our "disease". So people turn away from the best offer they could ever receive. As a result, they miss out on so much. I wish it wasn't that way.

The Fear of Death

"Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he [Jesus] also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is the devil; and deliver them who through the fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage. For verily he took not on him the nature of angels; but took on him the seed of Abraham. Wherefore in all things it behoved him to be made like unto his brethren, that he might be a merciful and faithful high priest in things pertaining to God, to make reconciliation for the sins of the people." Hebrews 2:14-17

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16

The fear of death can be a healthy phenomenon. The fear of death keeps us from doing foolish things, like eating poisonous plants or jumping off of a cliff without a hang glider or parafoil. It is what keeps us going to doctors for help when we are sick, and what keeps EMT's giving resuscitation to accident victims.

There is another aspect of the fear of death that is a bondage. Many can be manipulated, threatened, or forced into dangerous or even evil behavior, such as killing someone else, because of the threat of death for themselves. According to the Bible, this fear has led to many false religious practices, to wicked behavior, and ultimately to rejecting any acknowledgement of God, because to acknowledge the God of the Bible, is to recognize Him as our Creator, to realize that He has the right to exercise authority, and to admit that we are accountable to Him for our actions. In fact, there are innumerable examples in the Bible of how God justly issued punishment on people for their evil ways, particularly when they reached the point of rejecting God's authority.

But while God is our authority , the one we are accountable to and whom we are encouraged to seek and to find and to believe, He is also our loving Savior who does not want us to remain in bondage to fear and to sin. That is why He took on a human form, was born of a virgin, without the sin of Adam, so that He could pay the price (redeem us) and satisfy the Father's demand for justice, by taking our punishment for us. He died a cruel death for no sin of his own, he was buried and rose the third day, and later ascended to heaven to show us that He will fulfill the promise He made to all who will believe in Him and call upon Him for salvation, that is, the gift of eternal life.

This gift He offers is free. All you need to do is call on Him and agree with Him that you are in need His forgiveness for all you have done in disbelief, and believe that Jesus has paid it all. Thank Him for your new freedom and ask Him to change your heart and life so that it will be pleasing to Him. Then go the Bible and and grow in your knowledge of God and in your faith. It will make all the difference in the world to you and your future.

The Truth of the Matter

"Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; and ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free." John 8:31-32

I am quite aware that my future on this earth is uncertain. My cancer is quite advanced and, without chemotherapy, I will not survive unless the Lord chooses to intervene in a miraculous way. Some of you who know me and read this are praying for such a miracle. Keep on praying. I know your prayers are sustaining me.

Meanwhile, I need to continue to praise God and proclaim that His mercy endures forever (Psalms 106:1). That is why I started this blog. Sometimes I may become sidetracked (as with my previous post), but my main intent is to encourage my readers to believe God, to believe the Bible, and to have faith in Jesus Christ, that He is whom He said He is and that He gives eternal life to all who believe. This is the fundamental truth that makes all the difference in life and in death. It is the truth that has given me the courage to face my trials and my death without fear. When I die, whenever that may be, I will truly begin to live.